A song I am loving:
Hi, Everyone.
I haven’t shared on this platform in a while. I wanted to share some things I’ve been noticing and sitting with lately, as I’ve been taking space in various areas of my life to really be with the emotions I am navigating.
Experiencing grief up close has made me a better person. Since my grandmother’s passing in March, and now the passing of my dog in September, I tend to myself gently, doing emotional and mental scans every day to help me understand where I am. Some days are much, much harder than others, while other days feel a bit more easeful – and yet, every day as of late has an undercurrent of grief and sadness. This reality has made Ian Maclaren (minister of the Free Church of Scotland in the 1800’s) and his notable quote come to life: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Sometimes it is hard to admit that through two of the most painful experiences in my life I have become a better human. But I have. There is no denying that in the midst of all of my grief, I am being molded more accurately into who, I feel, is my most aligned self.
Autumn is my favorite season. Yes, for all the stereotypical reasons. But it also has always felt safer to fall apart in autumn. Things are shedding, and I am shedding, too. I’m learning to ask the question, inspired by my friend Alex (find her work at
) “what am I carrying that isn’t mine?” In many ways, my inner seasons match the external seasons, and the permission autumn is giving me to fall apart and come together has really been nothing short of a gift.I recently went to the chiropractor for the first time in over a decade over a week ago. They found the beginnings of arthritis in my neck, and while they were confident I could reverse it, it is still weird to hear that your body is aging, changing, wearing down – whether from lifestyle habits and choices or genetics. Weirdly, I’m grateful for it, as the news has brought a deeper level of awareness to my habits, and realizing yet again that I have only this one body. I want to treat her well.
I’ve somewhat lost my sense of self over the last couple years. When I am moving through difficult seasons, it’s been hard for me in the past to really care for myself. I still take care of my physical body, but my mental and spiritual health can take a bit of a dip. I’ve been reprioritizing myself through longer daily walks, journaling (with no attachment to it being perfect, having nice handwriting, etc) and meditation and prayer.
I am in a season of reminding myself of my WHY. A quote I’m deeply loving right now on this topic that I wanted to share is one by American writer and keynote speaker, Darren Hardy:
“Forget about willpower. It's time for why-power. Your choices are only meaningful when you connect them to your desires and dreams. The wisest and most motivating choices are the ones aligned with that which you identify as your purpose, your core self, and your highest values. You've got to want something and know why you want it, or you'll end up giving up too easily.”
— Darren Hardy
I’ve been narrowing in on what it FEELS like to be in alignment. So often we can brush past the physical sensations of what it is like to live in accordance with our truth. Here is what it has felt like for me lately:
mental clarity. I don’t move through life with as much mental exhaustion.
bravery. I’m not as scared to set the boundary, have the conversation, do the act. While fear is still present, it doesn’t get to run the show.
less tension in my body. My shoulders aren’t up by my ears, my back doesn’t hurt, I don’t get headaches. My body doesn’t have to carry the weight of expectation when I allow myself to just be.
guilt starts to fade away.
Even in grief, I am learning I am allowed to feel joy. When I first lost my grandma, and more recently when my dog passed away, I felt somewhat guilty if I went a day without crying, or feeling incredibly distraught. Almost as if I wanted them to know, in the afterlife, that I was struggling and that they meant that much to me that I’d stay in a constant state of sadness. What changed my perspective was realizing that they wouldn’t want that for me. It’s amazing how those we love still teach us lessons once they’ve passed, illuminating ways that we use their death to justify patterns and habits that don’t serve us. I’ve struggled with feeling like I am worth feeling joy since way before this year, so it has been beautiful to learn that I allowed to feel joy — even when its hard, even when others are struggling, I am learning that joy is my inherent birthright.
Showing up means more than being perfect. Showing up for a 5 minute meditation means more than not meditating at all. Writing down one sentence in my journal is better than nothing. I am celebrating that despite everything, I am proud of myself for showing up.
I’ve not been reading a lot of “self-help” books lately. I’ve always been a massive fan of fiction, but usually have one non-fiction going at all times. Not lately. I just want to have fun, and be transported into another world for however long it takes me to finish a chapter or two each morning. Not every habit needs to support us in lifting heavy emotions or digging deeper into our pain and shame. We need to encourage ourselves to have fun, do something easeful, to simply enjoy. Right now, I’m reading The Mercenary by Paul Vidich. Set in Moscow in the 1980’s, it dives into following a senior KGB officer and is the perfect espionage novel.
Note to Self: No is a complete sentence.
Thank you for being here. Be well.
So beautiful. The pain of losing a loved one always stays, just the intensity lowers with time. I think it's a wound that is never really repaired to the full.
For me, this season of life is all about the struggle of navigating my way to inner peace, to slow down my mind. It's a challenge, but when I 'notice', my mind slows down. I am learning to do simple things I let go of while navigating through the chaos of life.
Thanks for your sharing and vulnerability, Caitlin. It’s clear to feel that even though you are going through grief, there’s a sense of alignment, shedding, and somewhat awakening as you shed layers this season.
Sending love as you navigate these times.