A song I’ve been loving:
As I reflect on 2023, I remember standing at the years precipice, meditating on my word for the upcoming year. Immediately, joy came to mind. It was the word I carried throughout this last year, and as I remember all the challenges I faced, I’m stunned at the significance and the lessons this word brought into my life. But let’s give a little backstory.
I remember seeing a video while scrolling Instagram at the start of 2023, where Morgan Freeman said something to the effect of “when you pray to God for courage, He doesn’t give you courage. He gives you opportunities to be courageous.” I loved the video, saved it on Instagram, and carried on with my year. Like so many of us do, we save videos on IG or Tik Tok that we think we will revisit and never do, which is what I probably thought would occur. This message is great, but it doesn’t really apply to me right now.
And then, in March, my grandma passed away, in the midst of grieving a previous relationship and life. I was living in a temporary situation that, while I was SO grateful for it, was challenging. I felt super isolated in my grief, isolated in my thoughts, and felt like a failure for being where I was in life at 28 years old. Fast forward to September, and my soul-dog was put down, which was equally as devastating as losing my grandmother (if you’ve experienced the loss of a pet, you know). To finish the year, my dear great aunt also passed away. Oh, not to mention that my parents finalized their divorce this year, and while it was a long time coming and very much not a surprise (they are both happy, and this was the best decision - plus, I’m inspired by the level of maturity they both have to still come together for family dinners. I am blessed.), the true surprise in that was how much hidden grief arose during that period.
In the valleys of my grief, I would remember how I chose the word joy. What an absolute joke, I remember thinking. I chose the word joy and this year has manifested the exact opposite.
It wasn’t until much later in the year that I put it all together — God was giving me opportunities to choose joy.
No, God (or the Universe, Spirit, Shiva, Mother Earth — whatever you want to call “It'“) was not asking me to discredit my grief and push it to the side just so I could put on a happy face. What was being shown to me was that I can CHOOSE to bathe in the undercurrent of joy, even in the midst of my sorrow, my grief and my pain. Happiness skims the surface, joy penetrates to the soul.
The lesson from all of this that I am carrying with me is that joy is a state of being. Joy allows other emotions to be in the room, and honors them all.
When my Joy met my Grief, I began to truly heal.
While you move through life, don’t forget that Joy is there.
Joy is yours.
Joy is available. Even in your sorrows.
In love and gratitude,
Caitlin
Thank you for this. You might not ever know how special it was for me to read this when I woke today - but I also think you might.
All these things you shared, they mirrored my last years. I felt an acknowledgement and peace even though my heart sank a little as I read it. I've not stopped missing my life and my partner, and it's been some time. Grams was an anchor to me, my furry little companion gave me such love and therapy, my aunts are such kindred souls to me. I've never felt so raw and stripped down for so long. I appreciated hearing what you said and what you know, you sound whole-heartedly inspired by what you've learned. It's so re-assuring and encouraging to me.
How you framed the joy is a fresh perspective to me. I knew something carried me through all these years and has never stopped inviting me forward. It's been as bewildering as it's been beautiful. Between the hurt, the grief, praying for gratitude and trying to heal, I might have been choosing joy. You helped me see that this morning and I instantly feel so much less alone.
So thank you Caitlin
This was incredibly beautiful 🧡