A song to enjoy while you’re here:
On Saturday of last week, I took my daily walk through a local cemetery. I had just gotten off work, the sun was setting and the foliage in Ohio has been absolutely gorgeous. I figured I needed to get sone steps in, and my intention has been to walk more places than just my neighborhood.
I’ve been struggling with the concept of loss and death, and how to embrace joy again. If you read along or follow me on social media (I’m most active on Instagram, and you can find me here.) you’ll know my Grandmother passed this year, and so did my soul dog, Chester. It’s been rough.
Death was a highly spoken of topic in my house growing up. It wasn’t taboo, and I didn’t grow up afraid to die, nor am I fearful of death now. For that, I’m very thankful. I grew up with the belief that death is simply the next step, a transition into the next phase of our lives. However, now that my Grandma has passed, I’ve found myself at times feeling frustrated that she had to die. Frustrated that my dog had to get a tumor and eventually need to be put down. Just frustrated. How am I supposed to be happy when you’re both gone?
The common thread that connects my Grandma and Chester is that they both showed me what it meant to love someone with no expectations. Their lives were examples of what I feel true Love is all about. Maybe it’s cliché, and yet in the wake of their earthly deaths, I’m reminded that it is no one else’s responsibility but my own to ensure that I am present and active in my own life. Frequently I’ve placed the responsibility of someone else making my life have meaning and joy on the shoulders of my parents, my siblings, close friends, beloved partners and even pets.
What I’m seeing now, is that it was never their job to make me happy.
All the moments where I saw them for who they were, the love they gave, the way they lived, the souls they carried, was when I shifted the perspective of “what can they do for me?” to I choose to see you and celebrate you simply for who you are. In THAT moment, I truly embodied Divine Love, the type of love the sages and saints spoke of and tapped into frequently.
And that was a choice that no one else could make but me. And yet, I had no idea I was doing it! I was just relishing in the love and admiration, not focused on any other narrative, just Love.
Sometimes it takes heartbreak to learn a deeper form of the same lesson. This perspective has given myself the reminder that no one else gives my life purpose, nothing outside of myself makes my life beautiful.
“Sometimes, Heaven is just a new pair of glasses.”
Anne Lamott
This doesn’t mean my Grandmother, for example, wasn’t a beautiful soul who added joy and love to my life. It means she was the reminder — not the reason.
As we move through our lives, fixated on enjoyment and feeling happy, I hope we can all find true joy in the ever-becoming present moment. I hope we can release everything we hold dear, seeing it for what it is – a gift. And remembering what it is not – expected.
The expectations of what we believe should always be end up destroying the seedling of gratitude that is planted in every situation. We have an opportunity to tend to this sacred seed, even in the deepest moments of sadness.
So, when I was walking through this cemetery, I shed tears of remembrance, tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears that spoke of a promise: I can create joy, not just experience it. I can create purpose, not just live within it. I can feel joy while feeling sadness. I can trust. I can let go. I can.
Until next time. I love you.